How to Stop Caring What People Think7 Steps to Care a Little Less.

You may see it in 6 everyday moments

If 3 of these sound like your week, other people’s opinions are making more of your choices than you would like.

• 1
  You rewrite a message before sending itThe words were fine the first time. You change them anyway.
• 2
  A conversation replays in your head that nightYou go back over one thing you said and look for the mistake.
• 3
  You agree to plans you did not wantSaying yes felt easier than explaining a no.
• 4
  Your opinion shifts when someone frownsBy the end of the sentence, you agree with them.
• 5
  You rehearse a phone call before you make itSometimes you put the call off for days.
• 6
  Someone’s short reply stays with you all afternoonYou read it again to find what you did wrong.

You are noticed less, and liked more, than you think

2 studies measured the gap between what you expect and what other people see.

• People noticed an embarrassing T-shirt far less than its wearer guessed

  Students wore an embarrassing T-shirt into a room of other students. Afterwards, they guessed how many people had noticed it. They guessed too high. The researchers called it the spotlight effect.

  Gilovich, Medvec and Savitsky, 2000
  

• After a first conversation, people were liked more than they knew

  Strangers talked, then guessed how much the other person liked them. On average, they guessed too low. Among new dorm mates, the gap lasted for months.

  Boothby, Cooney, Sandstrom and Clark, 2018
  

Both studies looked at strangers and new friends. With family or a partner, the stakes can feel higher.

You can work on the habit with Glissa and the past in therapy

Therapy helps with where the need for approval came from. A book can explain it. The habit itself shows up in small moments, most days.

The orange column is ours. Day 30 retention on mental health apps: Baumel and colleagues, JMIR, 2019

Glissa is the iPhone app for people pleasers. A short test gives you one number for how much of you is showing. 11 habits sit under it, re-scored every week, so day 30 sits beside day 1.

Every week it hands you one dare from your own answers, sized to be doable. For this habit, the first dare might be sending a message on the first draft.

You can care a little less in 7 small steps

Each step is small on purpose. Done often, they add up.

• 1
  Name whose opinion you are guessing atOften it is one person. Sometimes nobody in the room is thinking about it at all.
• 2
  Check the spotlightPeople notice far less than it feels like. Most are busy thinking about themselves.
• 3
  Send it on the second draftRewrite a message once if you need to, then press send.
• 4
  Share one small opinion a dayStart where the stakes are low, like a film or where to eat.
• 5
  Let one person be a little disappointedSay a short no with no reason attached, and watch the day go on.
• 6
  Stop the replay with a factAsk what actually happened, and what you only guessed.
• 7
  Pick the few opinions that countChoose 3 or 4 people whose view you will weigh. Everyone else gets less of your attention.

Questions

You start with one small opinion, said out loud

Pick the lowest stakes you can find this week. If the hard part is the no, 7 short ways to say no are on their own page. For the bigger picture, read how to stop being a people pleaser.

Glissa takes 30 seconds a day on an iPhone, and gives you one small dare a week.

The glow up that starts on the inside

Get back the parts of you that you filed down to keep everyone else comfortable. 30 seconds a day, all the way back to 100% and past it.

Download Glissa for iPhone $4.99 a month, billed as $59.99 a year